The server is the graveyard

graduation
summer
baby's first job
first office
(well, half of one)
first server
what the hell is a server

letters from directors
failed projects
budgets
plans
the server is the graveyard

eyes bleary but you keep going
feeling suddenly more powerful than ever before
vast swaths of red-tape knowledge
read
read
read
before they realize their mistake

months pass
the server becomes amorphous
oppressive
you resent it
(you've never been good at the organization business)
you realize
no one cares about the server
or what you saw
or what you know

you almost forget about it
until
graduation
summer
new guy in the office

the cycle begins again

Pfffft

So yeah. The whole writing every day thing didn't work out so great. But I'm going to get back on the wagon. It's been an overwhelmed-by-the-farmers-market, historical-novel-reading, Frasier-watching, crying, beer-in-bed kind of day. I was supposed to clean my apartment today.

I've been feeling more growing pains of adulthood lately. I feel like I'm constantly vacillating between confidence and contentment, and utter insecurity and confusion about my place in the world. Sometimes it's really hard to keep things in perspective and remember that 23 is REALLY FUCKING YOUNG and that I have Time. Lots of it (hopefully). I know that. Intellectually. But then I start doing the job math, and the masters degree math, and the oh-god-what-if-I-want-a-PhD math, and the career math and then that leads me right to my mid-40s with nothing but a black cat and the TV chip implanted in my eyeball to keep me company.

I went to Nashville for a conference the week before last. Every time I visit a new city I become convinced that This is It! This is the city of my soul. The one that will answer all the questions I have and the ones that are to come. For a long time, Portland held the top spot in my heart, but Nashville might have pushed it out. Nashville spoke straight to the part of me that is so fucking tired of the rat race to nowhere. The "right path." The "next steps." What does that even mean? Who decides what that is?
Here's my Nashville fantasy: go, move to a cute house in East Nash with a porch. Get a job with a grassroots arts organization and join a printmaking collective on the side. Start dating a sweet 'n soulful singer/song-writer who complimented my outfit the first time we met. Get to know my neighbors. Have a passel of kids. Live contently.
It's pretty far from my current "life path"-- the one I'm not really sure I want. That one is: Continue working at Stanford for one more year. Go to grad school on the East Coast for a Masters in Art History. Join a program that consists of all women. This program will be either in a city in a tiny apartment with weird roommates or in the Actual Middle of Nowhere. Remain single for the next two years. Graduate. Assess whether I want/need a PhD. Start working at a museum in the Education Department. Be awesome at my job because I actually really care about these issues. Try to rise in the ranks. Try to be a Career Woman Who Leans In (if that's still a thing we're doing). Be single forever. (???)
Or, I guess, the third option is to just settle into comfortable mediocrity. Which I KNOW is not the worst problem in the world, and I KNOW that these problems are so the problems of the privileged. But oh god, I don't want to be 43 and wondering what the hell happened and where did all the years go and who am I really? Too many people have fought for too long for me to actually, scientifically, literally LIVE for me to let that happen. Here's the thing (and this is so unoriginal it's almost painful to write, but what the hell, I'm the only one reading)-- we only have one shot at life. Ultimately, we only answer to ourselves. Trying to live our life in the way we think others want us to is futile and I think will ultimately result in deep dissatisfaction. I mean, ULTIMATELY, no one person actually matters on this earth (with some exceptions, OF COURSE. but I am not going to matter to that many people at all. and I certainly won't be Remembered). We are tiny little specks of matter smaller than dust in the universe. And there are billions of us! So, I think we have to do what we think will give us the most contentment in our soul. No matter how that changes. I think we need to strive for a sense of satisfaction. Not necessarily happiness, but satisfaction and contentment and growth. This is ramble-y. The beer is maybe getting to me. But it is what it is.

I want to live abroad! And try to write a book! I'm never going to be Jeffrey Eugenides but I want to write a book like Fangirl or The Princess Diaries. One where you feel like the characters are your friends and you just read it over and over just to hang out with them. And I want to learn to weave. And print-make. And lots of other things. Where does that all fit in? Does it? I don't know.

Also, I don't want to study for the GRE.

On the bright side, it is now officially summer and with that comes my second favorite thing: long summer nights, second only to my very favorite thing-- warm long summer nights. I'm forever yours, East Coast.

A recap of what were possibly the best four days of 2014 (or maybe of my life)

Disclaimer that this will probably be interesting to no one except me. I just wanted to have a record of a serious life high.

Drove to San Rafael for Puerto Rican food with Matt and Brandon
Took 280, because California is beautiful
Got coconut water at Trouble Coffee
Got the perfect vintage Boy Scout shirt at General Store, ending a decade long search
Went to the beach
Napped on the beach
Smelled like sunscreen
Walked into the Pacific
Collected sand dollars along the shore. Wished they'd convert into real dollars.
Ate excellent tacos and drank a first-rate horchata at a Mexican dive right by my house. Who knew? Not me.

Went to the new Palo Alto Pizzeria Delfina with Ben
Laughed at the kid-proof booth material
Died a little over the meatballs
Definitely overdid it with the sundae, but #noregrets
Bizarrely ran into Marc and Dana as we were seated next to their group. They were (MAYBE) a little drunk, which was a little funny, and nice.
Drove to the mall because we are suburban teenagers forever
Vowed not to buy anything at Urban Outfitters when Ben dragged me there (bad quality! expensive! my better judgement protested)
Decided to get matching beanies
100% bought into their scheme of having amazing things to look at and buy near the register. I needed everything.
Miraculously walked out with only the beanie
Drove back to campus, aimlessly
Drove to the lit up Rodin garden
Took silly snapchats with the art
Laid on a concrete table and talked while lamenting the lack of stars





Discovered California Bookstore Day on Twitter
Drove to Kepler's Books to celebrate
Fell a little in love with Kepler's
Spent too much money on books and art, but if you're going to spend money, it might as well be on books and art (and food)
Had a sudden fierce love and appreciation for Northern California (this is rare)
Went to Costco for gas (I'm bragging because I had some adult-ass foresight to do this. I usually wait until my car yells at me and I pull into the nearest station in a panic)
Ate lunch by myself at another Mexican dive. Eating alone in America feels profoundly different than eating alone in Europe.
Drove down El Camino the whole way home, just to see what's there
Stopped at the pop-up Pace Gallery in Menlo Park
Discovered new dimensions to Calder
Pondered a Rauschenberg
Missed studying art history with a burning intensity
Wished I was rich enough to buy the Rauschenberg (it's for sale for the low, low price of 3 million)
Loved that the gallery had kind and enthusiastic guards
Lounged at home
Picked up Ben
Took a bus to SF to see the ballet (for free! thanks, ITALIC)
Was blown away by the costumes and the dancers (and their butts)
Went backstage
Went ON stage
Went home

Decided to try a new (to me) market in the spirit of adventure and the best few days in recent memory
Bought a week's worth of groceries for $25
Mind was blown
Mind was also a little suspicious about how everything was so cheap
Lounged at home
Felt very attractive (no, seriously)
Decided finish my book on the porch at Philz (let's be real, it was an excuse to see and be seen)
Was eventually joined by The Usual Suspects (Matt, Connie, Brandon)
Made flirty (?) eye contact with the handsome man seated in front of me
Noticed his wedding band
Continued to notice his flitting eye contact
... did not look away
Made progress on the book (but didn't finish)
Scandalized my friends with a choice bit of info
Went home; finished the book
Had an extreme bout of Adult, wherein I:

• Listened to 3 episodes of This American Life while
• chopping celery and carrots so I can snack on that instead of chips
• washed ALL of my dishes
• prepared some tofu
• made kale salads for the week
• cleaned out my fridge
• roasted broccoli

I suppose, above all, I felt a deep sense of contentment and independence.

And now, the anvil falls.

Great things from this weekend

1) Sleeping in. My body actually let me sleep until past 8:30 which was unexpected and spectacularly wonderful. Also much needed after the craziness of Admit Weekend.

2) Getting Philz coffee. This is really superficial but I always feel a little badass when I order coffee black. I'm hoping that any hipster aesthetic pretension is mitigated by the fact that I usually order it while wearing a t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers. My 15-year old fashion obsessed self would be horrified that I haven't yet spent my paycheck on MiH jeans and PS1 bag (she knows we're still too young for a Sofia Coppola LV bag, though that's the ultimate dream).

3) Hanging out with Ben! That kid is way too busy, but that means it's even more special/fun when we do get to hang out. Sometimes I wonder if it's weird that one of my residents from last year ended up being one of my best friends, but I try not to overthink it (unlike everything else in my life). Ben is great. He's one of the only people I feel like I could tell anything to and he'd still support and love me.

4) Meeting Ben's Kairos friends. Not that much to explain here, but they were all very nice and welcoming and fun to hang out with.

5) Getting a beer in the sun with Matt and Brandon.

6) Watching Matt hold an extremely expensive bottle of champagne I bought (as a gift) like a baby. And 100% seriously stating that if it fell he would lick it off the sidewalk. So would I, Matt. So would I.

7) Eating Pizza My Heart and running into Alborz downtown. Palo Alto mainly sucks, but running into people is always pretty fun.

You are not a $100 bill

Not everyone's going to like you.




Like most of life's wisdom, I first learned this from Meg Cabot. Holy hell, is it true.The older I get, the less of a shit I give about what other people think of me. It's actually really, really nice. Four stars, highly recommend.

The best present a friend can give you

Is blind hate of someone you hate.

This is most often applied to exes.

Exes are the worst; you are sooo much better without them, trust me. Don't even worry about it, they look horrible in their new profile picture.

That classic Facebook angst tho...

Let's pretend that your friend who you really love a lot but don't talk to that much anymore, because life and time zones, posts something on Facebook and it's meant to be kind of funny but you decide to try to be even funnier and post a super obscure inside joke that they probably don't even remember and then you feel like a weird loser because no one else remembers so maybe it seems like you care too much but you can't edit it because that would look so much worse and so then it's just this random weird hanging comment and there's nothing you can do about it except care and wow you are overthinking this. Has that ever happened to you?


Yeah, me neither.

Note to Self: I am no longer in college

Things Not To Do On A First Date

You:

1. Ask me how much my rent is
2. Tell me how much money you're saving by living with your parents
3. Be visibly strung out
4. Abruptly announce on a coffee date that you think we should "call it," but then immediately ask me out to dinner for the same night
5. Add me on Snapchat
6. Repeatedly talk about our "second date" and then never contact me again
7. Assume that all I can talk about is art because I work in the arts
7a. Tell me that you think all art is pointless except for the time you "got super high in Amsterdam and went to go see the Van Gogh museum and all the colors swirled around and shit."
8. Quiz me about a museum exhibition when I obviously (accidentally) lied about having seen it
9. Pitch me your startup
10. Act super weird when college comes up and you find out I went to Stanford


Me:

1. Lie about going to exhibits I haven't seen
2. Say "God, no." when the waiter asks if we want a second round
3. Spitefully announce that I never learned how to ride a bike when my date tells me he owns 6 bikes and that 2 only go downhill (ed note: Physics, I know, downhill-only bikes remain a mystery for the ages)
4. Bring up my parents
5. Seem way too into Katy Perry when I like exactly two of her songs
6. Call my date "dude" a lot
7. Be really obvious about my disdain for startups while out with a startup founder
7a. Make it worse by backtracking ("Oh no, but yours sounds really different and important. This is the kind of good more startups should be doing!")
8. Say, "I don't know, normal stuff," when asked what I like to do on the weekends / what my hobbies are
9. Talk about the time I hallucinated that I was in an Ashlee Simpson music video (it was 2004, what can I say...)
10. Check the weather on my phone in order to make conversation

Being an adult

Means having a craving for cereal and milk and then going to the 24-hr Safeway to fulfill this small dream after having the larger dream of long-term human connection slightly crushed by the free screening of Her you just saw at the college campus where you both 100% belong and 100% don't belong.

In defense of Miley Cyrus.

On books and reading and (mild) hoarding

This was supposed to be a post about how amazing and wonderful and heart-wrenching and funny and happy and sad Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell is. It is all of those things and I highly recommend it.  I just finished the book a few days ago and I will probably read it again real soon. To be honest, I held off on reading this book for a while, even though I thought Eleanor & Park was great. I'd heard that Fangirl was about freshman year of college and first love there and all that jazz and I thought it would be too painful. That it would make my already a little too-keen nostalgia for that time explode. That I would miss my ex-boyfriend, who was my first boyfriend, my college boyfriend, the boyfriend with whom I had a Hollywood-caliber meet-cute at our admit weekend and was placed in the same dorm with the following fall, too much. Or, at least, that it would make me miss that time too much (because truthfully, I don't really miss the boy very much. At least, I don't miss who he is now. Or, was when I broke it off. We're too different now and isn't that a different type of sadness). And, it did. I missed the sweetness and the nervousness and the awkwardness and the excitement of first-time real romance and the discovery of someone new. But, it wasn't unbearable and I ended up loving the book more than I ever expected. I recognized a lot of my freshman-year self in Cath and, of course, fell a little bit in love with Levi, because he's a YA boy and because I am extraordinarily prone to crushes on fictional characters. Nerd alert.

I'm not sure if I will re-read it obsessively like I did with the Princess Diaries series when I was a youth, but I don't know if I'm really capable of re-reads in general any more. That used to be one of my defining characteristics as a reader (at least in my own head) and yet now, after four years of college which felt like a single, inconsequential drop in the sea of knowledge, it feels like there are too many books and too many worlds to explore to keep revisiting the same ones. And yet, isn't re-reading the way you really become a part of those worlds? On a second read, characters are familiar, you know what is coming in the plot, so you can analyze the lead-up more and think more deeply about what they are feeling and going through and what may lead to their eventual action. You are already a part of their world and they feel like familiar friends instead of friendly acquaintances. If it's a good book, you pick up new things that you didn't notice the last time because you were caught up in some other element-- be it crazy-fast plot, beautiful language, or realistic dialogue.

I think this combination of feeling a deep, personal connection with books and also feeling that there is no end to the depth of information and experiences in books leads me to have a slight book hoarding problem. I buy books all the time. ALL the time. At a much faster rate than I read them. It's a problem. I keep telling myself after I buy a couple new books, "This is IT. I will ONLY read books I already own for the next several months." And then I go on a book buying binge on Amazon. Okay, the book buying binge only really happened once (today), but it's fresh so it seems worse. They were all YA books so I guess I'm going to chalk it up to grad school research. God, I am still so indecisive about what grad program I want to do. What do people do when they are faced with two choices that they would like entirely differently, but equally? Also one of the fucked up things about my decision is that I think perceived status is playing a role, instead of just going with my gut and what I am most passionate about. Sigh. I need to figure my shit out.

I'm going to try to write every single day to practice. Maybe I should have more focus in my entries, though. I anticipate this blog being shitty for at least a few months, but probably longer. Damn.

I'll try to make it good.

On why my job is cool, part 1

Today I am too tired to write an actual entry. I will say that it was awesome because I listened to the student pitches for a grant I thought of a few months ago. My little work baby from start to finish. I feel grateful that my employers are encouraging of my crazy ideas. Maybe one day soon I will talk about my unofficial, informal arts manifesto so that I can talk a little more about the thinking that went behind this grant.

It's always so hard rejecting people, though, which is inherent in the process of administering grants. I also hate it when I'm reading applications for internships. I think I'm still too close to the fresh wounds of last year and being rejected all.the.time for jobs, internships, etc. and knowing how much it absolutely sucked.

Tomorrow my work will take me to SF, where I will be in charge of a group of students and responsible for making sure they don't die. Should be fun. I'll take some pics.

On happy small discoveries, part 1

About a month ago I signed up for the Penguin First to Read program and then promptly forgot about it. But today I got an email to sign up for the new drawings and I clicked around on my profile and discovered that I actually got selected for one of the books in the last drawing cycle! Getting a free book and getting said book before the general reading populace is basically the best thing ever.

I just downloaded the book, Jen Doll's Save the Date, and am excited to read it / am maybe about to peer into my future of copious wedding attendance. Actually, that's probably not even true because the friends I have who are in relationships either a) are DEFINITELY not going to marry their current significant other or b) don't believe in marriage. And then the rest are single.

Last June, like two days before graduation, two people from my freshman dorm got married but I was not invited to the wedding, even though like literally everyone else from these dorms was. My secret theory is that they thought I was still together with my ex, who can be as boring as plain toast and also kind of an oblivious white mofo, and then didn't invite me because they thought I was still an "us." Or, they just forgot. I mean, it's hard to keep track of all those evites. No, I'm not bitter...

On impulse purchases.

So... this just happened.

As did this.

Aaaaand what could be scientifically termed a "whole mess of" Forever 21 dresses. All inspired by some late-night gchatting with a coworker. This is why I need to institute a no-computer-after-9:30pm policy for myself.

Who the hell knows what kind of ideal lifestyle I'm buying these things for. I mean, who needs both camo Birks AND copper cook's utensils?

Maybe someone in LA.


Right now is when I'm once again really feeling that Britney was a sage before her time.

On introductions

Hello? Anyone there? Of course not. I just started this thing and no one knows about it. I don't even know if I'm going to tell my mom about it and and I tell her most things. Even the time I had that highly awkward date with the super-weird dude who was clearly strung out on something. Not typical mom-fodder.

I feel like it's old-fashioned to start anything with a proper introduction now. Like, we're supposed to just cut to the chase. Be punchy! Write a list! Better yet, a listicle! But, I'd also feel weird not starting with an introduction. I can be kind of old fashioned.

Okay, so who am I, right now? I'm not sure. I'm trying to figure it out. That's where the Happiness Mixed with Existential Crises thing comes into play. One minute I think I know, the next I have no idea. This all seems terribly cliche. Thankfully, probably no one will ever read this except me.

I'm going to make a list. It's easy, it's late. I'm just trying to get the hang of writing. Maybe I'll try to write every day! That seems like one of those goals that will go the way of the "I will rise at 5am to hit the gym every morning!" goals. AKA it happens once, then never again. Maybe some pictures will spice things up for me. I'm going to keep this low-key. As if I'm writing to the aforementioned mom, or, to one of my bffs who is currently in Turkey on a Fulbright. We do not talk as much as we should.
Me, Now (I will very likely cringe at this in the very near future. Oh well):

1. I'm 23, which feels super old, even though, intellectually, I know it's not.
2. I graduated from Stanford almost 10 months ago. It's still really weird to not be in college. When does it stop being weird?
3. My blog name comes from an answer to a Buzzfeed quiz. No shame.
   Okay, a little bit of shame.
4. I work as an arts administrator. It is much more fun than the title makes it seem, mainly because I get to work with students and think of cool programs and events that will expand the expectations of art. I feel very lucky to a) have gotten a job right out of college and b) actually like said job.
5. I'm single. Like, really single. Definitely not glamorous, Carrie Bradshaw, constant casual dating, men-giving-me-sexy-side-eye single, either. (Confession: I have never seen Sex and the City, so that is a total poser reference. I'll turn in my millenial badge tomorrow.) I am unglamorously, online-dating-joining-and-quitting-after-horror-shows, laundry-avoiding single. The laundry thing might not have anything to do with the single thing, but it's a true fact about me. I hate doing laundry. It's an irrational hate (but the machines do all the work for you! says everyone ever), but it is still a hate. If I ever start saying that I find laundry relaxing, call the CDC because a zombie has taken over my body.
6. Sometimes being single feels like the worst thing in the entire world and all I want is a regular make-out partner (is that really so much to ask?). And yet, I also love the fact that being single has forced me to be independent, thrust me into uncomfortable situations, and has honestly made me a lot more self-confident than I've ever been before.
7. I am horrible at returning library books on time.
8. I have watched every single episode of Frasier at least ten times (conservative estimate). It's likely way, way more.
9. I don't really believe in guilty pleasures. If it gives you pleasure, you shouldn't feel guilty about it. So here goes, world: I WATCH THE BACHELOR.
10. Feeling suddenly super self-conscious about posting this, so I'm just going to do it before I chicken out. Which, come to think of, is basically my current life philosophy. Just do it before you chicken (or talk/intellectualize yourself) out of it.