Things Not To Do On A First Date

You:

1. Ask me how much my rent is
2. Tell me how much money you're saving by living with your parents
3. Be visibly strung out
4. Abruptly announce on a coffee date that you think we should "call it," but then immediately ask me out to dinner for the same night
5. Add me on Snapchat
6. Repeatedly talk about our "second date" and then never contact me again
7. Assume that all I can talk about is art because I work in the arts
7a. Tell me that you think all art is pointless except for the time you "got super high in Amsterdam and went to go see the Van Gogh museum and all the colors swirled around and shit."
8. Quiz me about a museum exhibition when I obviously (accidentally) lied about having seen it
9. Pitch me your startup
10. Act super weird when college comes up and you find out I went to Stanford


Me:

1. Lie about going to exhibits I haven't seen
2. Say "God, no." when the waiter asks if we want a second round
3. Spitefully announce that I never learned how to ride a bike when my date tells me he owns 6 bikes and that 2 only go downhill (ed note: Physics, I know, downhill-only bikes remain a mystery for the ages)
4. Bring up my parents
5. Seem way too into Katy Perry when I like exactly two of her songs
6. Call my date "dude" a lot
7. Be really obvious about my disdain for startups while out with a startup founder
7a. Make it worse by backtracking ("Oh no, but yours sounds really different and important. This is the kind of good more startups should be doing!")
8. Say, "I don't know, normal stuff," when asked what I like to do on the weekends / what my hobbies are
9. Talk about the time I hallucinated that I was in an Ashlee Simpson music video (it was 2004, what can I say...)
10. Check the weather on my phone in order to make conversation